Not good news

My grandma suffered another stroke on Tuesday February 6th, 2007. It is different then her first stroke in that it is bleeding. The doctor took her off her blood thinners (which was prescribed because her first stroke was a clot). Hospice has taken over her care. She is at home, awake, and recognizes everyone, which is good. My mom signed all the paperwork for DNR, I know that was hard for her, but it is what grandma wants (she stated it in her living will). This sucks! I have cried a lot this week and no one really knows when she may go. It could be today it could be six months from now.....I hate crying. It makes me feel out of control and that scares me completely.

I am angry with god. Why must she suffer? What lesson are we meant to learn? Why must we learn it?

I am angry with my brother. I haven't seen him since July of 2005. He has been in and out of jail and writes us letters to make us feel guilty. He doesn't even know that our grandma had her first stroke, let alone this recent one.

I am angry with my cousin, who our grandma raised for most of his life. She supported him in school and what does he do? He dropps out just shy of graduating and after taking out a large student loan. My grandma co-signed for that loan and he defaulted. She has had to pay for his stupidity. He has not seen her since before she had the stroke and rarely calls.

Overall, I want someone to blame, but unfortunetly there is no one. I can't solve this problem, this situation and that makes me the angriest of all.