Well crap has fallen all over me!

I haven't posted in a long time bu there is an update.

Grandma: She had another stroke at the begginning of March, they took her of some medications and my mom had to sign a lot of paperwork saying that my grandma was DNR and that she wanted to bring her home. Yesterday she complained of chest pain and she was sent to the Hospice facility in Tempe, which is not far from where I live. This doesn't seem to be life threatening so hopefully she'll go back home soon. I'll find out more when I go home tonight.

Me: Not much is happening in my life, I still work at a job I hate and am still looking for another one. I go to Ohio on the 10th of April to visit my friend and my goddaughter. I really am looking forward to this....She has 8 horses on her property and we may go riding! That of course depends on the horses additude. Hopefully everything with my grandma will be fine at least until we get back.

Namaran: Well th language has taken a dramatic turn: Triconsonantal Roots ala Hebrew! I am very excited! I have actually written all the possible root combinations on the computer, now I just need to fine tune the grammar (Phonology has stayed pretty much the same.) I have also named a new culture called the Swik. The Swik are mysterious people from the northern mountains of Namar. I like them, they tend to be sarcastic like me!

The weekend

Had an okay weekend. I bought a new laptop, external hard drive and a couple of new programs. I spent most of my time with my mom window shopping. We had a BBQ on Saturday at my grandma's house. It was fun. We talked about old times and ate tasty hamburgers. My grandma looked fine. She tires more easily and seems to have lost her eyelashes, but other then that, fairly stable. She was taken off the blood thinners. So now it is a waiting games to see what kills her first; her bad heart, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack or pneumonia.

I am tired so this is all I'll write today.

Not good news

My grandma suffered another stroke on Tuesday February 6th, 2007. It is different then her first stroke in that it is bleeding. The doctor took her off her blood thinners (which was prescribed because her first stroke was a clot). Hospice has taken over her care. She is at home, awake, and recognizes everyone, which is good. My mom signed all the paperwork for DNR, I know that was hard for her, but it is what grandma wants (she stated it in her living will). This sucks! I have cried a lot this week and no one really knows when she may go. It could be today it could be six months from now.....I hate crying. It makes me feel out of control and that scares me completely.

I am angry with god. Why must she suffer? What lesson are we meant to learn? Why must we learn it?

I am angry with my brother. I haven't seen him since July of 2005. He has been in and out of jail and writes us letters to make us feel guilty. He doesn't even know that our grandma had her first stroke, let alone this recent one.

I am angry with my cousin, who our grandma raised for most of his life. She supported him in school and what does he do? He dropps out just shy of graduating and after taking out a large student loan. My grandma co-signed for that loan and he defaulted. She has had to pay for his stupidity. He has not seen her since before she had the stroke and rarely calls.

Overall, I want someone to blame, but unfortunetly there is no one. I can't solve this problem, this situation and that makes me the angriest of all.

My Grandmother

I got bad/good news today about my Grandma. Anyways here is a little back story....

My grandma had a massive stroke about a a year ago. It robbed her of her ability to speak and the use of her arm. She can no longer effectively communicate and she can no longer paint and draw (Something she was really good at and loved to do). Since the stroke she has been in and out of rehab and does not seem to be getting better. Around the beginning of last month she got sick and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (an enlarged heart due to fluid build-up). She is dying.

Of the few words she can say clearly, she questions why this happened to her, what did she do to deserve this, she questions God. So do I.

My grandma wants to go home and the good news is that they (the insurance company and doctors) will let her. Hospice came and evaluated her today and accepted her into their "program" (for lack of a better word). The bad thing is that they basically believe she has only six months left and thereefor she met their criteria.

I don't know how to deal with this information. What do I do? What do I say? How will my mom cope? How will I cope? I know that my grandma is scared but how can I comfort her? THese questions swirl around my mind all day.....I wish I had someone to talk to.